Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
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[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Those are good neighbors.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”