I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
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[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Taliband
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.