one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
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Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen