You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
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*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation