this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
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graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”