Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
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I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”