How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
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I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
R.I.P.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?