I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
You Might Also Like
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
The booster protects against what, now?
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?