Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
You Might Also Like
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.