Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
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Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
catch me on valentine’s day like