When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
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my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
so this horse walks into a bar
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect