a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
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I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Had to try this trend 😊
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Just a reminder, folks:
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.