hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
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It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
March 16
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.