I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
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The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
a badder mouse
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.