I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
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Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Check your privilege
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.