5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
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I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing