Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
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Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job