The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
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The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
I’M CRYINGGG
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”