Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
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My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke