[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
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[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.