Love is always patient and kind.
You Might Also Like
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
*pokes sex life with a stick
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves