Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
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Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Yoga Matt
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
men are simple creatures
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch