Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
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her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
huge if true: the moon
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]