Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
You Might Also Like
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
HR said no more nunchucks.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
beware of dog
(jukin media)
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position