Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
You Might Also Like
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”