3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
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It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?