All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
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My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
I want to meet the individual who made this
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids