Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
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[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Had a spot of bother earlier.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
I gave up going to work for lent.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack