I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
You Might Also Like
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.