love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
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Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
i think both sides are to blame here
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
every. time.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?