He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
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Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.