20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
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I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.