Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
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coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!