People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
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Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo