Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
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Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
presenting your incognito window wrapped
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Trying
I’m having an out of money experience.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that