I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
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[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
“What movie?” 🤔
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda