Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
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Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.