FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
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Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
the last thing a carrot sees
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else