My relationship with tea has always been strained.
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Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???