*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
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call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
are they though??
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
“TGIM!” – My liver
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.