“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
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My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
A collection of me turning into random objects.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
I’d use my best pan on you.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.