Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
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If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.