Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
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[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Milk Cube
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!