[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
You Might Also Like
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
October already? What’s next? November????
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.