Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
You Might Also Like
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”