A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
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I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
cat vs inanimate object
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap