Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
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My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
The honesty is refreshing
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.