I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
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Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Breaking news:
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]