Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
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Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Best spoiler warning ever
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
WTF
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”