“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
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me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Pickled cat.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.